


I'm a Ruin

by woopsforgotadam



Series: Of Misfits and Norse Gods [4]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe-Avengers, Angst, Avengers AU, F/M, Gen, Implied Torture, Loss of Identity, Mentions of Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, definitely, not quite avengers 2, post Winter Solider, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 02:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3470651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woopsforgotadam/pseuds/woopsforgotadam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From zero to somewhat a hero, Ultear is just trying to complete her missions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm a Ruin

**Author's Note:**

> Ultear as Bucky Barnes and Jellal as Steve Rogers. Their anthem is probably Immortal by Marina and the Diamonds tbqh. This took awhile because I wasn't sure how graphic I wanted to go with Ultear's visions. I decided not to go full into detail with this work.
> 
> WARNING: She is quite out of it.

 

> But if the earth ends in fire
> 
> And the seas are frozen in time
> 
> There'll be just one survivor
> 
> The memory that I was yours
> 
> And you were mine
> 
>      ---Immortal, Marina and the Diamonds

* * *

 

Mission: Avoid HYDRA   Status: Ongoing with a minor interaction; taken cared of.

Mission: Avoid Avengers  Status: Ongoing with complete success.

Those words were repeated every morning when she woke, every mid afternoon when she gazed at the sky, and every night before she slept.

It was after the big storm at D.C, six months after to be exact,r with some memories from post war and after brainwashing came to her (Asset). Everything was a jumble, a scramble, like some bad film with a tragic plot. Though she never felt like a tragedy, she didn't pity herself. She hated herself. Ultear, that was her name (Perhaps). Not Winter Soldier, not Asset and she wasn't an It (all the time). She was a murderer, an assassin, and at times, a savior. Though most of the saving she's seen in memories were only three times, so it wasn't a lot. She's killed so many. She never even knew why they (those who will punish her promptly. The cold. The Ice.) wanted them dead.

Six months since she remembered Jellal, a bit of him, at least, in D.C and now she's in Boston.  Boston was easy to blend into, where New York was loud and filled with constant action, there was a certain lull the New England city had which made it better (easier) for Ultear. There were pockets in the downtown of the city and in the residential neighborhoods where the homeless were and blending in with them kept attention away. She wore a jacket and gloves at all times, keeping her metal hand a well kept secret. She never revealed her metal arm to anyone, barley even spared a look at herself.

(The only one who saw it was a mechanic. She needed to take out certain vials embedded into her arm; one of them was poison. she kept all four vials in a bag she had. The mechanic, as far as she was concerned, didn’t say anything to anyone.)

It wasn’t out of shame of having a metal arm, no. It was why it was there and what happened. What she did with it was what kept her gaze away. She was a ruin of a person, a shell of some girl from the 1940s who had big dreams of doing what she needed to do for her country and to prove to herself and those who disregarded her for her gender that she could do it.

In short, Ultear (Asset) was naive. And now she is paying the price for it.

"You need help?" The voice made the woman (woman?) flinch and Ultear side glanced at the voice. It belonged to a teenage girl, who had a red knitted hat and black rimmed glasses and straightened black hair. She was skinny enough that Ultear could rip her apart with just her human arm, and her back pack would probably be easy to take from her. Take money whatever a normal Bostonian teenager carried and kill the girl. It was easy.

But that was the _Asset_ thinking.

Concerned of the silence coming from Ultear,the stranger spoke again, this time Ultear noticed a slight accent, which Ultear recognized to be a Latino accent. Probably El Salvadoran or Guatemalan.

"'M fine," Ultear replied, shuffling towards herself, trying to get the teen's attention away from her.

"Liar." The girl replied, "I'm gonna be late for work. But here, take my hat, its gonna get cold tonight." (Ultear did hate the coldness, but it was Winter. The cold is scary. The cold is punishment.) The red knitted hat was in a small hand outstretched towards the once Winter Soldier. It was an act of kindness, and Ultear knew she didn't deserve such kindness.

"You need it." she managed to say, short words and toneless.

The young woman seemed to disagree, as the next thing Ultear felt were warm hands touching her only flesh hand; Ultear stiffened (warmness was a gift, one she didn’t deserve). Earlier, she perceived this girl as no threat, and she still wasn’t. Ultear could easily kill her, snap her neck. Use the nearby rock. Anything. Instead, she stayed still, not breathing until the all she saw of the girl was her maroon back pace walking away. A knitted hat in her hand.

(Ultear didn’t deserve this forced kindness; but she was warmer than before.

Boston winters were cold.

Not as bad as Russian winters, though. Or the Ice.)

There were some things Ultear remembered, like a splash of very cold water. Like the cold, the memories were tormenting. Growing up in Brooklyn during the Depression was hard, even with Roosevelt’s New Deal. It helped, but there was still a constant struggle. However, Ultear remembered that no matter what; she would get enough money for postage to London. Every other week, she wrote a letter to her cousin, Ur. Ur was better off; her father was Ultear’s uncle by blood. Mrs. Milkovich did get money from her brother, which she was loathe to actually accept. The England Milkovich's were better off than most. Life was okay, there were struggles, yes, but it was for a lack of a better word, pure. Ultear remembered when Jellal’s...when he moved in, why he did she couldn’t remember but she does know her mother would cluck her tongue at Jellal when the skinny little kid got into yet another fight.

Ultear would always pull him out.

That, she remembers.

The homeless shelters in Boston were not always the best, but the one in the neighborhood of Dorchester was a better one. That was where Ultear found herself on January 26th, her red knitted hat atop her head, a thick but ratty green jacket under a nicer looking jacket (she stole it from a now dead HYDRA agent), a singular black glove covering her cybernetic arm, and the black leather pants and boots she always wore. Her hair was covering her face, but she knew she should have to change her pants and boots after Winter at least.

The only one who shared the table with( the Asset) her was a mother with her child. The mother was gently rubbing her daughter’s shoulders while the child played with the crayons and paper that the shelter supplied. Something in Ultear then came alive when the man looked over a the pair.

Some sort of aching that she barely recognizes, something...maternal or childish? Her mouth became dry and Ultear promptly looked away in fear of losing whatever control she had. A few nights ago, she did, and she blacked out. Nothing bad happened, really, as it turns out when she does lose control she becomes very still and passes out.

Either way, it’s not a pleasurable experience.

Brown eyes stared intently at the spaghetti sauce and pasta on her plate. Mealtime was an hour ago, but Ultear was a slow eater. It would be a few minutes later when Ultear heard shuffling and a soft, “A stór!” with her  very own specific… skill set, the ex assassin saw in the corner of her eyes that the small child had somehow climbed from her mother’s lap and onto the table and was currently coming towards Ultear.

Ultear turned her head to watch as the mother made her move, but it was too late as the small child reached out towards Ultear, right next to her plate of food. If she had to guess, the child was about four to five years old and the mother stopped across Ultear and grabbed her child, looking apologetic. “I’m sorry,” she said in a very thick Irish accent.

(The accent made Ultear’s arm twitch and something in her heart stop.)

“It’s fine,” the woman managed to say, “I don’t mind. How old is she?”

The mother opened her mouth, but the little girl responded, “Four!” it would seem that the irish accent had even grown onto the child, but her English wasn’t that bad.

“Four, huh? You seem pretty focused on me,” The Asset----Ultear somehow knew how to communicate better with small children than adults.

“You look lonely.”

The mother looked very embarrassed now, and shushed the child, “’m so sorry! Kassidy is usually--” the woman stopped when Ultear held up her gloved hand.

“It’s fine, she’s just a child….curious about the world and all the people in it. It’s…” Ultear shook her head, and then pushed her food across the table, “You two can have the last of my meal, I’m not very hungry and little Kassidy is looking right at it.”

The mother shook her head, but the little one giggled very loudly.

“I couldn’t---”

“Please,” Ultear stood up and offered what she hoped was a smile, “do.”

Ultear walked out of the Shelter feeling slightly lighter and perhaps….less of a monster.

(She would wake up the next morning by a police officer in the Commons; she blacked out again. It was probably the cold.)

As she wandered the side streets of Boston, Ultear did sometimes pickpocket, but not so much. Just enough to get some food for her and others, but she only shared with the nicer ones. There was a lot of chat about Captain America, and the Avengers. Those, she found out, gave her more anxiety than comfort. She was on the news, too. They were looking for her, but they had no good pictures of her current state.

She was happy she took the hat.

A few weeks later, Ultear entered a the same Shelter where she met Kassidy. As it turned out, the small girl recognized her and apparently, admired her. If the fact she was wrapped around Ultear’s leg was anything to go by.

(Once Ultear recognized there was no threat, her knife went back into her sleeve.)

(She didn’t feel the knives in her boots, of course, but Ultear was quick at diverting the child’s attention elsewhere. She bent down after she detached her.)

“Kassidy,” Ultear greeted, “You seem excited today. Where’s your mom?”

“Mammy!” the child shrieked, looking around. She definitely did have lungs on her.

“A stór!!” Every mother had the superpower where they used a certain tone and the child had the decency to look at least a little bit sheepish. In this case, Kassidy’s mother utilized it as she walked over. Yet another cheepish expression came on the woman’s face. This time, she knew better than to apologize.

“Hello again,” Ultear greeted, standing this time and putting her gloved hand in her pocket. “Kassidy seems as energetic as ever.”

“You’re telling me,” once more with the heavy accent, and it gave Ultear a pang once more, but she offered a small smile. “She seems to like you a lot, Miss--?

“My name is…” Asset? No. Ultear?

(A voice in her head, his voice, said _Ul_.)

“Ultear.”

Kassidy looked excited at the fact she now had a name and smiled brightly up at Ultear from where she stood. Her mother spoke again.

“‘M Fiona O’Sullivan,” her hand was outstretched and Ultear’s only flesh hand shook it.

 

> New Mission: Protect Fiona & Kassidy O’Sullivan Status: Ongoing.

From there, there was a certain kinship between the three. Fiona would fuss at Ultear a lot, in a painful reminder of what her own mother would do. If she remembered her fully. Somewhere along the line, Kassidy began to cuddle up to Ultear when the three happened to have a ‘sleepover’. Ultear continued to have nightmares, but her’s kept her frozen in fear. Kassidy provided some comfort at being there, but Ultear was more scared what would happen if she snapped.

Fiona was a very observant woman, and confronted Ultear one day. “ _WasitIraq_?”

Ultear wished she could have told the truth, but instead she shrugged and nodded. At the look of Fiona’s blue eyes, Ultear became to blink rapidly. Slowly the woman approached the broken creature, the shell of Ultear Milkovich, and her arms wrapped around it.

(Ultear didn’t know she was crying until she began to sob.)  

          -----But did she even have the right to cry? Assets do not feel pain.

(But can they feel comfort?)

That night, Ultear detached herself from the heavy sleeper, Kassidy, and walked away from the pair. She had corrupted them enough and interrupted their life. They were in danger around the Asset. She did leave money.

(It was the first time she had a Blackout in three months. But she still felt cold at night, even with Spring.)

The time between that April and July were a blur for Ultear. Now, she actively avoided the Shelters, but she always watched Kassidy play in the park she liked. Every afternoon two in the afternoon, they arrived. Ultear kept a good look out for anyone suspicious (HYDRA); and protected them from afar. It was the least she could do after putting them in danger.

 

> Mission: Avoid HYDRA   Status: Ongoing with a minor interaction; taken cared of.
> 
> Mission: Avoid Avengers  Status: Ongoing with complete success.
> 
> Mission: Protect Fiona & Kassidy O’Sullivan  Status: Ongoing with a minor potential threat; taken cared of.

(The threat of course, was the Asset.)

Ultear only shredded the ratty jacket, kept the nicer looking clothes and still had the red knitted hat. While doing her Mission, Ultear was joined at the bench she sat at; across from the playground. She felt no threat, of course the person was extremely skinny---with a glance, she recognized her.

“ _Hola amiga_ ,” the voice greeted, and it was the same Teen who had given the Asse---- _Ultear_ the hat.

“You.”

“Me,” the Teen agreed, eyeing her hat she smiled, “Seems like you have the hat still.”

“Your glasses work,” Ultear replied dryly, causing the girl to laugh a little. Then, the (ex?)assassin’s eyebrows furrowed, “Do you normally speak to homeless people?”

“Only the ones I lend things too. And the guy across the street from me, he’s fun to chat with. He also speaks Spanish; do you?”

“I understand most of it.” Ultear told the truth at this, “But my accent is terrible. Your’s is from….Guatemala?”

“El Salvador, close, but not exact.”

Ultear merely ‘hmm’d, her eyes doing a quick look around before she spoke, “What’s your name?”

“Gloria Interiano, what about you?”

( _Asset. It. Winter Soldier._ )

But those seemed ill fitted for someone chatting with a teen, not killing anyone or on the hunt. “Ultear.”

“No last name?”

Ultear stiffened then, and shook her head, glaring ahead now. At that, Gloria whistled, “Lo siento, amiga.”

“You said... _Sorry friend_ , right?”

Gloria stood then, patting Ultear’s shoulder (thank god her left and not right) “You’re right. Enjoy the warm weather, Ultear. I know I will!”

Ultear merely nodded at the teen walked away from her again. She watched for a few seconds before peeling her gaze back at the park where Fiona pushed a laughing Kassidy on the swing set.

The warmth was not punishment; but it somehow felt like it.

July Fourth was a special day, not just because it was Independence day. It was...Jellal’s birthday. She remembered....when her mother used the money from Rich Uncle Flabian to buy a cake, for Jellal. Jellal, the skinny little kid he was cried and got an asthma attack, but then later on joined in eating the cake.

Ultear focused on her mission more so today, somehow she was hyper focused.

On the walk away from the park, little Kassidy saw a pretty balloon across the street. Ultear didn’t notice this at first, not until the little girl ran out onto Massachusetts Ave, one of the busiest streets, and Fiona screamed.

Ultear moved quickly, into Mission Mode. This would make the Mission a Failure. Failure meant Punishment. It meant a dead little girl who once drew a crayon portrait of Ultear. With the precision, agility and speed, of someone who was trained to Never Fail; Ultear’s human arm wrapped around the waist of the small Kassidy, tucking her into her core as she rolled away from the car, which was according to her calculations, only twenty centimeters away and onto the part of the street with opposite side of traffic.

The cars were still coming towards her, and Kassidy was screaming at this point. Of excitement or fear, Ultear didn’t know. Brown eyes did a quick glance around, and saw an exit point just a two meters away, but some idiot who was terrible at driving was screeching to a stop too late. Ultear had to act quick, using her body as a shelter she tucked Kassidy into safety while her right and metal arm was outstretched towards the oncoming vehicle. Her hand did it’s job, crushing the front of the car and since the man who was now swearing, did attempt to stop Ultear didn’t need as much force as she thought. She did overdo it, but no one was injured and Ultear had effectively stopped traffic.

“Ultear!” Kassidy yelled with delight, and then the Asset stood, blinking a few times before nodding.

> Mission: Protect Fiona & Kassidy O’Sullivan  Status: Ongoing; threats detained.

Ultear was the one who bent down to Kassidy’s eye level, “Never run into traffic like that again...A stór.”

Kassidy grinned and hugged Ultear, and didn’t let go not even as Fiona ran at them, screaming the familiar endearment and looking angry but happy all at once. The interlude wasn’t stopped until the man had inspected his car.

“ _What the fuck was that?_ Are you some kind of fuckin' robot?”

Fiona, now in possession of Kassidy and kissing her child looked between the man and Ultear, who had looked at her hands in wonderment. Her glove was burned. It showed only metal now. It wasn’t Ultear who answered, but the mother was still a mother thanks to Ultear.

“She’s a Hero!”

Brown eyes went wide, until they caught all the camera and phones around them.Traffic for once in Boston, was stopped, people were out of their cars looking at the four people surrounding a car. The sure tell of car horns was still heard, and Ultear turned to leave, and before anyone could call her out, she ran.

It took only two days for HYDRA too find her in Boston Commons, as she was everywhere on the news.

It took only two days for the Avengers to find her in the Boston Commons, surrounded by unconscious HYDRA agents. The fight was everywhere on the news.

> Mission: Avoid HYDRA  Status: FAILED.
> 
> Mission: Avoid Avengers  Status: FAILED

Needless to say; Ultear blacked out as the Asset fell to the ground.

> Mission: Protect Fiona & Kassidy O’Sullivan  Status: Complete. SUCCESS?

When the Asse-----when _Ultear_ awoke, she saw white and an unfamiliar person sitting in the room. When she moved, the person looked up. It was a female, and she was fiddling with some notebook, writing in it she presumed. The woman raised an eyebrow at her.

(Doesn’t appear to be a threat. If attacked, rip out the cords in you body and choke the person with it. Pain? Assets don’t feel pain.)

“I’m Dr. Orland, I’ve tested the vials in your bag you had. I’m on babysitting duty, which is a _terrible_ decision really.”

“...”

“I’m calling Jellal---”

“Don’t,” her--- _it’s_ \--- ** _her_ ** voice was raspy. Like she(it?) hadn’t used it. “I don’t want…”

Dr. Orland gave her a look, something that would have reminded it----her of pity...or maybe empathy. “I have too. He’s your emergency contact and I really need to go back into my lab to look over the blood samples we got of you.”

With that, the doctor left and Asset... _Ultear_ was left to observe the room. The window looked to thick to escape from, and with a simple movement, she realized that she was handcuffed to the bed. If she wanted or had to attack Dr. Orland, she was unable. Something told her these cuffs weren’t made to be broken easily like standard ones.

(What was her was the familiar emblem of Fullbuster Industries on it.)

> Silver Fullbuster. Cad. Genius inventor. Likes(ed?) Fondue

        _“That Jellal is_ something _else, cousin dear,” Ur said with a smile._

_Ultear shifted her footing, looking at aforementioned her best friend. He looked significantly different than he did in Brooklyn. But hey, she was just was experimented on by some mad HYDRA scientist; seems like Jellal had his own experiments done on him. He seemed to like it though. To Ur she raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”_

_“Silver asked me out for Fondue. Jellal thought he meant something else.” Ultear laughed so hard at that, and she indeed needed that laugh._

Ultear’s eyes opened to the sight of the same person from her vision. Not Ur...but Jellal. He was alone, but she saw the cameras all around them. Ultear wasn’t a fool.

“Ul,” he spoke, and there he was with that sad smile.

“Fondue is just a food, you know. Ur told me what you thought.” She tried to smile, but she saw in the reflection of the window behind Jellal it looked more like a grimace.

“Of course you would remember that.” He seemed exasperated as he sat down, his eyes were still on her. She felt like she was being x-rayed and was reminded when she saw him for the first time on the bridge. 

She flinched, remembering: WIPE HER. With a small shake of her head, and her fingers moving against the softness of the blanket, she timidly spoke once more. Jellal seemed patient. 

“I remember some things….your birthday was two days ago.”

“It was.” he agreed, _still_ looking at her.

“I remember saving…. _Kassidy_ ….is she okay?”

“Gray---Silver’s son---took care of them. Lyon, the guy with bow and arrows, has an apartment building in New York, he gave them rooms there and Gray gave Fiona O’Sullivan a job at Fullbuster Industries and Kassidy is at a secure day car that FI runs. They’re safe.”

Ultear nodded at all this information and then closed her eyes. She failed at only two-----she failed. She could hear the increased beeps from the heart monitor as she began to, what she assumed, had a panic attack.

“Please don’t punish me! I’m sorry I failed! No Ice! Please!”

Her thrashing about made Jellal move right away, but she headbutted him as he came close. She didn’t get to thrash about more as swarm of white coats came in and tranquilized her.

The next time she woke up, Jellal was already there, he had a black eye. He didn’t seem to notice her, and was looking intently at a cell phone (she at least knew what those were). What should she say? Why are you still here? I’m a monster, go away while you can? Just kill me?

Instead she went with; “ _Hello_.”

Jellal looked at her again, and her heart shattered. He looked so tired, but then she got angry. “You punk, don’t lose sleep over me.”

“Jerk,” he said back, “don’t run away from me.”

There was a pause and Ultear spoke, “I saved you. On those ships. You fell and I remembered...I used to take your sorry ass outta fights all the time. You just couldn’t resist.”

Jellal laughed then, “All the fellas were surprised a dame like you had packed such a punch.”

Ultear nodded, she remembered that. “Me and...Ur...we surprised everyone.”

Jellal seemed to agree, “You did. We all did.”

“I think...I’m done running.”

It was in that moment, Ultear felt like she was back in Brooklyn, although she was still hooked up in a hospital. Her own brown eyes looked into Jellal’s and she felt like a small girl again, and he was an even tinier boy. In that moment, she remembered some of the last words Ultear had told Jellal, in a separate tent away from the other Howling Commandos.

> _“I’m yours and you are mine, Jellal. No serum could change that. Whether we die infiltrating HYDRA or freeze in this damned weather; that will be all I know.”_

His reply?

> _“Yes, Ma’am. I love you, too.”_

She fell asleep after that.

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**Author's Note:**

> Okay so:
> 
> A stór!- Gaelic for 'My teasure' it's an endearment for children, really. I decided NOT to force the Irish accent on Fiona. And I was going to use just Meredy instead of making up Fiona and Kassidy; but Meredy will serve a later purpose. And I wanted to show a mother/daughter thing, something Ultear would miss and perhaps help her remember what it was like to have a family. What better way than to travel with a homeless mother and daughter?
> 
> And Gloria is based on one of my friends. Not directly, but in case you were wondering.
> 
> And I decided not to enforce the ships here, and instead focus on Ultear. 
> 
> Last note: I used Boston because I know that city best. I also know how angry the drivers could get.


End file.
